See that pin at the top, piercing though the heart? That's how my heart feels at random points of the day. But it's just a minor prick. When it happens, I press one of my hand on my chest to check whether it's beating normally or at an abnormally fast speed. The last time it beat extremely fast was when I was playing pool with Limin, Eunice and a few others from W26K. Weird thing is, I didn't feel anything unsual, just that I was minorly breathless.

I totally hate it when people smoke around me, given my already deterioriating health. Furthermore, when friends I know are smoking. But I can't possibly tell them straight in the face right? So I just kept quiet and put up with it.

My close friends know I have money problems running in my family, despite the fact that my father earns about 2-3k per month. And all of it will be spent even before the month ends, and as a result, the kids suffer, including me. My mother have to work just so she could ease the financial burden a bit. Because I have to totally rely on my parents for me, if they don't have any pocket money to give me, then i'll just go to school cashless. And I have to force myself to borrow money from my friends, which is a really, really embarassing thing to do. Sometimes they will have to 'belanja' because of the fact that I have no money to eat, and I'll very reluctantly agree on.

Don't be surprised if one day you'll see the front page and the headlines say, "Friend murdered for trying to 'belanja' friend."

This money issue really took a toll on me one time, to the extent I changed, for the worse, obviously.
Emotional
This one time happened last Thursday. It was the dateline for submission for entries for this photo competition i'm participating in. The initial plan was that Raudha and me would be going to NJC first by taking the train to Newton station and then bus to NJC. And from there onwards we would take the cab to rush to RP before school starts.

Raudha overslept, so she won't be going with me. I thought that that will be better since I wouldn't want to impose any more trouble on her.

At home. I saw my father leaving the house for work, without giving me any pocket money. And my mother had no pocket money to give either, so I just left the house, cashless.

I rested my eyes till Newton. I arrived at around 8.30am. Then because I didn't know the way to National Junior College from Newton, I asked the station master. Found out that I had to follow bus 171.

At the bus stop, I checked the number of stops before I reached NJC itself. 1o stops. Then I thought to myself, " well then, it's only 10 stops. I will be able to reach school on time if I just hurried. Anyway, it's for the sake of the photography competition. That's what I came here for."

So I started my way. I walked some distance when it started to rain. Miraculously, I managed to find the first bus stop from Newton station without taking the wrong turn. I took a seat at the bus stop and started thinking.

"I have no money to take bus. It's raining. If I ask for $1 from that lady there for the bus fare, she may look at me weirdly. It's ok. It's for the sake for photography. I have made a promise for myself."

I took out the jacket from my back and wore it. And not long after, I continued on my journey, in the rain, reminding myself, "For the sake of photography. And her."

I kept on walking, in the rain, and saw numerous buses drove past me. And I get this saddening feeling whenever bus number 171 went past me. "I could have been sitting in that bus, dry and on my way much faster towards NJC." But I just kept on walking, trying to keep myself on track along the pavement as droplets of water stained my glasses.

Cold. Hungry. Broke.

But I just continued on my journey. I was rather glad when the rain finally stopped. My jacket was soaked in the rain, but I didn't take it off, as I wanted to dry it out.

Fatigue was getting to me, but still I continued. I was already halfway there. Might as well go all the way.

Well, eventually I reached the 10th stop. And I was getting really tired from walking. Walking all the way from Newton to Bukit Timah... NEAREST STATION NEWTON MY FOOT!

My task isn't done yet. I still have to enter their school grounds and deliver it to the general office.

I took the overhead bridge as NJC was situated on the other side. Across the bridge, I didn't find any entrance in. So I opened my laptop, hoping to get a netwrok that will allow me to access the internet and found the way in. Luckily there was Wireless@SG. So I took whatever opportunity I had to access the school website. I managed to find the way in... Which you have to take a left turn at the junction and walk up this long stretch of road, which is uphill all the way. I entered the compund and handed in my entries. I left the place shortly and made my way back to the bus stop, across the street...

I then looked through all the available buses and tried to find any bus routes that will take the shortest distance to a nearest MRT station. But nearest was either Jurong East or Boon Lay.

I was already very drained from walking 10 bus stops from Newton and walking to either of the 2 abovementioned could just possibly kill me. I took a seat at the bus stop and rested. Fortunately Shafiq didn't go to school, and he offered to fetch me from where I was, and then cab to school.

I couldn't sleep even though I was fatigued, due to what happened before.

Eventually I didn't even go to school, no matter how much I wanted to, because by the time I reached RP, it was already lunchtime... I'll just take this opportunity to apologise to my team for not coming for class... And thanks to Shafiq for treating me chicken rice from Cavana, even though I refused despite the fact that I was in fact hungry... Haiz...

I stayed at the Happy Corner with Shafiq till dismissal time, when the others joined.

Still, I didn't rest even though I was very tired. I just couldn't sleep.

Since then, I kept on thinking on how much I suffered under the actions of my father.

All these problems add up to what I am now. I'm just more depressed as compared to 1 month ago.

Psychological
A psychological warfare i'm in. I'm trying to be the usual person I used to be. But slowly I'm reverting myself back to who I was back in secondary school. An introvert.

An escapist I am. A withdrawn world I enter.

All these problem I would just like to let go. But running away from them won't solve any. A more emotional being I am now. I'm so depressed, I have no confidence to even go after the girl I like. Stepped on even more.

Trapped.

-------------------------------------------------

If I were to die from heart failure, who will miss me?